A Revival

I ask myself over and over how I got back here. I am in a different bed, yet I am still glued to it. I am in a different room, but I am still confined to it. Different things surround me, three years changes a lot, but not everything. How, and why did this come back to me?

I wanted so badly to understand. I wanted to face everyone, when they gave me sorrow and sympathy and tell them that I knew exactly why this was happening. I wanted to have some idea. I wanted to know.

I turned to the man I love, and I asked him.

“Why is this happening to me?”

“I’m not sure.” He replied.

“There will a reason though, right? Something good is going to come out of this, won’t it?”

“I believe it will.”

The truth of the matter is, I have no idea what I am in for. Each day is a mystery in itself, and I am left confused on which emotions to act upon, which ones are temporary? Which ones am I honestly feeling? How much longer do you think I will be able to hold it together? Can I admit that I have been so scared? Can I admit that living it all again, but with so much more is not only unbearable but also terrifying?

Like I said, I’d like to be able to face people and tell them why this is happening to me, but I can tell you openly and honestly that I have no freaking idea. Yet again, I’d really like to hope something good is going to come out of it, something life changing, even.

I keep listening to this one song on repeat, because for some reason when I listen to this song, it is the one and only time I let myself cry. I sing the words over and over.

Whenever you’re ready. Whenever you’re ready.

Can we surrender? I surrender.

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For me when I hear those words, I feel as if I give myself permission to surrender. I allow in the thought that maybe, just maybe I could let down the wall between what’s happening and how it’s making me feel that I’ve placed up so carefully and strategically. So, when I hear those words, almost all of me wants to surrender the battle of keeping up this charade, and for a moment, I do. I let the wall down, I let myself breath, I let myself cry, and I let myself grieve. Although I know this pain, is only temporary.

Alas, the song finishes and I am swung back into reality where I have to be strong. Where, I should celebrate for the good moments, because when I get them, they are so good. Yes, reality, where I am stuck in bed unable to move for majority of the day, in the bad moments. Yet I am still careful not to break. I like to blame my reasoning for keeping it on together based on what other people would think, how they would realize I am not always as optimistic as I may seen, scared of them seeing how terrified I am. While all this is true, it is also granted that I am so scared that if I fall I may not be able to get back up. If I crack, how will I put myself back together? How will I know how too? But I have done it before, I can do it again.

Falling asleep every night in those hospital rooms, felt so lonely but every moment I was there, I knew I was not alone. Every morning when I would wake up to more tests, and checks, I didn’t doubt that I was alone. Or at night when I was awoken by nightmares that shook me, I didn’t shake on the fact that I wasn’t alone.

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I guess my point is, if even in my loneliest moments, when I am being doubted, poked and prodded, I didn’t loose hope, which means I can’t loose hope now. Not now, not ever. I am not sure if I am close to the ending of this chapter, but I know every day I am getting stronger, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Besides, the end is just the beginning of something else, is it not?

I am scared that if I cry, and grieve, people may perceive that I am loosing hope. No, this is not true.

The hope is there, and every time I say “Today I am getting stronger” I am not referring to my body, although each day I rest it, eat day I take care of it, I know that it is, slowly getting stronger again, I can feel it in my bones. Yet, I am referring to my hope. I am referring to the fact that another day gone means another day closer to God, healing me, like I believe He will. Another day of me writing about how I feel, about what happened and what is happening, is making me stronger. Although, my body is weak, I am not, and that is something I can never let go of, that is something I was always hold on too.

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I also want to encourage you, for even in your loneliest moments. In your hardest moments, granted life can throw a ton of them, to find the hope in it, because you’re not alone, and you’re going to make it through this.

Until next time,

Say something sweet.

K

x

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3 thoughts on “A Revival

  1. Reading your words and being in awe of your attitude, keep fighting the fight, beautiful young Lady, we are proud of you. xoxoxox Gen Gen and Terry

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  2. I have never been a great reader if you havent got me with in the first to sentences i dont read on . I read your posts and then again and again and again . With all you are going through you still manage when ever you can to stay positive you are an inspiration to us all Kit Kat my thoughts are with you beautiful girl . Matt

    Like

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