These past few months, I have felt and been lots of things. I have been healed, happy, and heartbroken, all at one time. My body had been torn down by a virus that spread to a more serious condition, that took all of my strength. I was left basically crippled, bed ridden, I can’t say that I was happy. I can’t say that being unable to move or function didn’t have a huge toll on my emotions, and obviously my every day life. Yet everyday, I found something that made me happy, that made me smile, because even if this virus took all of my strength – I wouldn’t let it take me with it.
I don’t know how to explain to you what the past few months were like for me, but there is this song, and it has a line that stuck with me.
“I was so much younger yesterday.”
And if I had to choose one sentence to let myself describe to you the past few months, let me tell you that it would be that, because oh my, I was so much younger, before these past few months.
Looking back now, I feel so many things, yet I don’t feel regret. I know that I pushed my body too far, took on too many commitments, didn’t look after myself, and as a result ended up hurting my body, but I’m not mad at myself anymore.
As the saying goes, you lay in the bed you make. It’s my own personal learning curve, one that I will never face again, because like the song says, I’m older, and wiser now.
I’m not angry, because I’m too busy being proud of my damn self. Proud that despite how hard my body fell, my spirit didn’t fall with it. Proud that I never stopped trying to pick myself up, and proud that I let myself feel each and every thing.
Because sometime healing, has not so much to do with a step by step process, rather then letting yourself run the natural course of healing, both emotionally and physically.
One of my main sources of happiness during this time was a perfect little kitten my mum bought for me, about a month after becoming bedridden. She was perfect in every way. She would sit on my heart every morning and help it to slow down. She would plant kisses on my nose and eyebrows. She would cuddle me at night when I was lonely, and she was there waiting for me, after every doctors appointment. Her name was Lillipad, and she was my little miracle.
I didn’t know, when I had there, that my healing would mean the beginning of her sickness, and the end of her little kitty life on earth.
Yet still, I wouldn’t change a thing. She was exactly what I needed, while I had her, and although my heart feels broken, oh man is it still so full.
The truth is, looking back now, acknowledging how lonely this whole life changing events made me feel, the truth of the matter is that I was never alone.
Although I was helpless myself, I was never without support.
Although I was, and sometimes still am heart broken, I was never without love.
Most importantly, although I fell, I stood back up.
I’m proud to announce that I have made it to the other side, and am back to being a functioning young woman again. Although some days are still hard, I will never stop trying. Take a look at my new display photo at the top.
Because I climbed, and conquered my mountain both physically and metaphorically.
I definitely couldn’t have done it without all the support I’ve had, especailly from my parents, family, boyfriend and friends. I can’t thank you all enough, and I can’t wait to see you all outside, because I can make it outside now, finally.
and of course, all glory to God.
Until next time,
~ K x