Things To Consider, When It Comes To 13 Reasons Why.

You don’t have to agree, I just needed to say that despite all controversy; why I thought 13 reasons started important conversations.

To give you a bit of low down, this show follows a teenage girl through encounters in her life that unfortunately add up to her taking her life. But I’m not here to give you the synopsis.

It’s confronting, not doubt. No one wants to deal with that. When you sit down at the end of the day you don’t think “oh that look likes easy to watch” because it’s fucking not. We’re not use to something so hard hitting – but that doesn’t mean that it shouldn’t have been aired.

Personally, I was able to watch the first 9 episodes by myself, but as soon as it intensified I always waited till my boyfriend was around to watch it with me.

(I’m going to put a side note right here; that if you are feeling suicidal, depressed, anxious that there are helplines (like beyond blue), and its important to look to those for guidance and understanding and not TV shows (no matter what show.))

The show has a rating of MA15+, because yes, it feels so freaking real.

DISCLAIMER: I don’t believe it is a wise idea to binge watch this show, as I stated it is not an easy show and needs time to be digested, and bingeing can lead to feeling overwhelmed.

But isn’t that the reality of it, that it is real? That people we surround ourselves with everyday suffer from anxiety, depression, thoughts of suicide everyday, and we’re not even aware of it. That is not okay. Isn’t it about starting the conversation, so they can too? I think that’s important.

I’ve read a lot of articles about the show since it’s released, a lot of them like to blame the antagonist.

They say things like “but it’s her own fault for not seeking help.” But she did and they didn’t listen.

“It’s not fair for her to do that to the other kids, say they killed her, when she killed her, and Bryce (her rapist) killed her.”

I don’t know about you, but the main point I got from the show was how essential and important it is to take responsibility for your own actions. In fact, in each and every episode; this lesson was hinted at again and again until the last few episodes where a few of the characters actually gave in, and took responsibility for what they did. It’s pretty hard to miss. Yet here are so many articles BLAMING people, which, (I think) proves the opposite point to what 13 Reasons Why was trying to teach.

Again, in response to the phrase above. The second lesson I thought that came from this show was that no one ever has the right to tell any other person what or how they should be feeling. You don’t get to decide, how other people feel about what you do, and say. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings and no one has any right to minimize them just because they don’t feel like it was really worth feeling that way. No, you don’t get to choose.

“Hannah is a brat, and way too over dramatic.”

Sure she is, totally agree. But she’s a teenage girl, who just moved towns, was abandoned by her best friend and is left in a town where she is classified as a slut and more for no apparent reason. Teenage years are hard enough, as it is, let alone with everyone else that went on. And you know what? It is a reality. Because there are teenagers out there dealing with bullying, and depression, and anxiety and I’m sure that sometimes they seem over dramatic too, to people who don’t know the full story. Because like I said, you never get to decide how someone else should feel, even if it’s too over dramatic for your taste.

Here’s the part where I change ships for a little bit. While I believe 13 reasons why is important, and teaches relevant lessons.

There are 3 scenes that I wouldn’t recommend watching, because like the rest of the show, they seem too real. These scenes are the two rape scenes that occur, in episode 10 & 12. And the suicide scene in episode 13, because while there are just as vial scenes on many other TV shows; a method of how to commit suicide should never be shown or explained, because you don’t know who is watching, or what they’re thinking. Period.

My last point, is one that really got to me.

13 Reasons Why glorifies suicide.” I don’t mind being wrong – but I don’t see how. In fact, the whole 13 episodes you know what I see? I see hurt. I see anger. I sweet heart break in all those who actually cared about Hannah. I see tortured souls looking for answers because they’re confused and hurt. Because that’s what suicide does; it doesn’t stop the pain, it passes it along to someone else. And they’re is nothing, to be glorified about that.

To finish, I think 13 reasons why taught some important lessons.

  1. How important it is to start the conversation, whether you are the concerned loved one, or you are wanting to reach out for help.

  2. No one has any right to tell anyone person how they should or shouldn’t be feeling.

  3. How important it is for everyone to act responsibly for their own actions (aka, don’t treat people like shit – no matter what you’re going through; you don’t know what they’re going through.

That’s all from me, you don’t have to agree. I just needed to say.

K x

18109749_1706703572689998_783334202_n.jpgIMPORTANT NOTEBeyond Blue is an Australian suicide and help hotline available at all times to all people. Never hesitate to call if you are a loved one are in danger and in need of support, or contact emergency services on 000. It’s always important (and encouraged) to ask for help.

How to last a little longer;

These past few months, I have felt and been lots of things. I have been healed, happy, and heartbroken, all at one time. My body had been torn down by a virus that spread to a more serious condition, that took all of my strength. I was left basically crippled, bed ridden, I can’t say that I was happy. I can’t say that being unable to move or function didn’t have a huge toll on my emotions, and obviously my every day life. Yet everyday, I found something that made me happy, that made me smile, because even if this virus took all of my strength – I wouldn’t let it take me with it.

I don’t know how to explain to you what the past few months were like for me, but there is this song, and it has a line that stuck with me.

“I was so much younger yesterday.”

And if I had to choose one sentence to let myself describe to you the past few months, let me tell you that it would be that, because oh my, I was so much younger, before these past few months.

Looking back now, I feel so many things, yet I don’t feel regret. I know that I pushed my body too far, took on too many commitments, didn’t look after myself, and as a result ended up hurting my body, but I’m not mad at myself anymore.

As the saying goes, you lay in the bed you make. It’s my own personal learning curve, one that I will never face again, because like the song says, I’m older, and wiser now.

I’m not angry, because I’m too busy being proud of my damn self. Proud that despite how hard my body fell, my spirit didn’t fall with it. Proud that I never stopped trying to pick myself up, and proud that I let myself feel each and every thing. IMG_1851.JPG

Because sometime healing, has not so much to do with a step by step process, rather then letting yourself run the natural course of healing, both emotionally and physically.

One of my main sources of happiness during this time was a perfect little kitten my mum bought for me, about a month after becoming bedridden. She was perfect in every way. She would sit on my heart every morning and help it to slow down. She would plant kisses on my nose and eyebrows.  She would cuddle me at night when I was lonely, and she was there waiting for  me, after every doctors appointment. Her name was Lillipad, and she was my little miracle. IMG_1995.JPG

I didn’t know, when I had there, that my healing would mean the beginning of her sickness, and the end of her little kitty life on earth.

Yet still, I wouldn’t change a thing. She was exactly what I needed, while I had her, and although my heart feels broken, oh man is it still so full.

 

The truth is, looking back now, acknowledging how lonely this whole life changing events made me feel, the truth of the matter is that I was never alone.

Although I was helpless myself, I was never without support.

Although I was, and sometimes still am heart broken, I was never without love.

Most importantly, although I fell, I stood back up.

~

I’m proud to announce that I have made it to the other side, and am back to being a functioning young woman again. Although some days are still hard, I will never stop trying. Take a look at my new display photo at the top.

IMG_1994.JPG

Because I climbed, and conquered my mountain both physically and metaphorically.

I definitely couldn’t have done it without all the support I’ve had, especailly from my parents, family, boyfriend and friends. I can’t thank you all enough, and I can’t wait to see you all outside, because I can make it outside now, finally.

and of course, all glory to God.

Until next time,

~ K x

A Sour Taste 

It’s hard looking back sometimes. You know?
It hurts to remind myself that my body is crippled once again from a sickness I have already over come, a sickness I have already been healed from. I promised myself, once I got better, after putting my health first, and having to leave school that I would never be in this position again. I promised myself that I would never push my body so hard again that it felt as if it had to break. Yet it seems some lessons you have to learn more then once; because here I am in a different room yet I am still confined to it, in a different bed yet I am still glued to it, and in a different time of life yet I am faced with the same choice.

Health, or education? When… 


It was the middle of semester when I become sick again. It’s my second last semester. I started uni early after leaving school and completing other study’s. I’ve worked hard to get where I am, and knowing that I am, or was enroute to graduate six months before other people who had graduated from my year,was my “stick it to the system” you know? For not believing I was sick the first time around, for making me feel alienated, exiled, most of all, for making me feel stupid. I can’t blame the school system entirely, how can you deal with something you don’t know of?

Other then, of course believing that the sick girl who can’t get out of bed, can’t always think; due to the lack of blood going to her brain because her body is failing on her.

IMG_8447.JPG

Yet, a lesson I’ve had to learn recently, is that you can’t fuel your passion based on someone else’s opinion. As relieving as it would be to still graduate six months early, the school system isn’t going to notice, or quite frankly care, it’s not like they helped me get here.

A lesson I’ve had to learn, quite loudly and without hesitation is that slow, and steady really does win the race.


So here I am, three years later, with the same decision and the same sickness, unwilling to give up, or give in. I’ve had to come to terms with a lot of things recently, but I’ve realized that at the end of my life, it won’t matter if I graduated in June, or November, as long as I took care of my self, and lived life the best way I could. Taking one step at a time, and loving myself, and everyone around me.

To be quite honest with you, I have no clue what is going to happen next.

But I know this;

I am not the illness the rattles inside my body, and I will love myself despite how many times I have to learn the same lesson.

Until next time,

IMG_8681.JPG

K x 

A Revival

I ask myself over and over how I got back here. I am in a different bed, yet I am still glued to it. I am in a different room, but I am still confined to it. Different things surround me, three years changes a lot, but not everything. How, and why did this come back to me?

I wanted so badly to understand. I wanted to face everyone, when they gave me sorrow and sympathy and tell them that I knew exactly why this was happening. I wanted to have some idea. I wanted to know.

I turned to the man I love, and I asked him.

“Why is this happening to me?”

“I’m not sure.” He replied.

“There will a reason though, right? Something good is going to come out of this, won’t it?”

“I believe it will.”

The truth of the matter is, I have no idea what I am in for. Each day is a mystery in itself, and I am left confused on which emotions to act upon, which ones are temporary? Which ones am I honestly feeling? How much longer do you think I will be able to hold it together? Can I admit that I have been so scared? Can I admit that living it all again, but with so much more is not only unbearable but also terrifying?

Like I said, I’d like to be able to face people and tell them why this is happening to me, but I can tell you openly and honestly that I have no freaking idea. Yet again, I’d really like to hope something good is going to come out of it, something life changing, even.

I keep listening to this one song on repeat, because for some reason when I listen to this song, it is the one and only time I let myself cry. I sing the words over and over.

Whenever you’re ready. Whenever you’re ready.

Can we surrender? I surrender.

IMG_7760.JPG

For me when I hear those words, I feel as if I give myself permission to surrender. I allow in the thought that maybe, just maybe I could let down the wall between what’s happening and how it’s making me feel that I’ve placed up so carefully and strategically. So, when I hear those words, almost all of me wants to surrender the battle of keeping up this charade, and for a moment, I do. I let the wall down, I let myself breath, I let myself cry, and I let myself grieve. Although I know this pain, is only temporary.

Alas, the song finishes and I am swung back into reality where I have to be strong. Where, I should celebrate for the good moments, because when I get them, they are so good. Yes, reality, where I am stuck in bed unable to move for majority of the day, in the bad moments. Yet I am still careful not to break. I like to blame my reasoning for keeping it on together based on what other people would think, how they would realize I am not always as optimistic as I may seen, scared of them seeing how terrified I am. While all this is true, it is also granted that I am so scared that if I fall I may not be able to get back up. If I crack, how will I put myself back together? How will I know how too? But I have done it before, I can do it again.

Falling asleep every night in those hospital rooms, felt so lonely but every moment I was there, I knew I was not alone. Every morning when I would wake up to more tests, and checks, I didn’t doubt that I was alone. Or at night when I was awoken by nightmares that shook me, I didn’t shake on the fact that I wasn’t alone.

IMG_7735.JPG

I guess my point is, if even in my loneliest moments, when I am being doubted, poked and prodded, I didn’t loose hope, which means I can’t loose hope now. Not now, not ever. I am not sure if I am close to the ending of this chapter, but I know every day I am getting stronger, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Besides, the end is just the beginning of something else, is it not?

I am scared that if I cry, and grieve, people may perceive that I am loosing hope. No, this is not true.

The hope is there, and every time I say “Today I am getting stronger” I am not referring to my body, although each day I rest it, eat day I take care of it, I know that it is, slowly getting stronger again, I can feel it in my bones. Yet, I am referring to my hope. I am referring to the fact that another day gone means another day closer to God, healing me, like I believe He will. Another day of me writing about how I feel, about what happened and what is happening, is making me stronger. Although, my body is weak, I am not, and that is something I can never let go of, that is something I was always hold on too.

IMG_7754.JPG.jpeg

I also want to encourage you, for even in your loneliest moments. In your hardest moments, granted life can throw a ton of them, to find the hope in it, because you’re not alone, and you’re going to make it through this.

Until next time,

Say something sweet.

K

x