A Revival

I ask myself over and over how I got back here. I am in a different bed, yet I am still glued to it. I am in a different room, but I am still confined to it. Different things surround me, three years changes a lot, but not everything. How, and why did this come back to me?

I wanted so badly to understand. I wanted to face everyone, when they gave me sorrow and sympathy and tell them that I knew exactly why this was happening. I wanted to have some idea. I wanted to know.

I turned to the man I love, and I asked him.

“Why is this happening to me?”

“I’m not sure.” He replied.

“There will a reason though, right? Something good is going to come out of this, won’t it?”

“I believe it will.”

The truth of the matter is, I have no idea what I am in for. Each day is a mystery in itself, and I am left confused on which emotions to act upon, which ones are temporary? Which ones am I honestly feeling? How much longer do you think I will be able to hold it together? Can I admit that I have been so scared? Can I admit that living it all again, but with so much more is not only unbearable but also terrifying?

Like I said, I’d like to be able to face people and tell them why this is happening to me, but I can tell you openly and honestly that I have no freaking idea. Yet again, I’d really like to hope something good is going to come out of it, something life changing, even.

I keep listening to this one song on repeat, because for some reason when I listen to this song, it is the one and only time I let myself cry. I sing the words over and over.

Whenever you’re ready. Whenever you’re ready.

Can we surrender? I surrender.

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For me when I hear those words, I feel as if I give myself permission to surrender. I allow in the thought that maybe, just maybe I could let down the wall between what’s happening and how it’s making me feel that I’ve placed up so carefully and strategically. So, when I hear those words, almost all of me wants to surrender the battle of keeping up this charade, and for a moment, I do. I let the wall down, I let myself breath, I let myself cry, and I let myself grieve. Although I know this pain, is only temporary.

Alas, the song finishes and I am swung back into reality where I have to be strong. Where, I should celebrate for the good moments, because when I get them, they are so good. Yes, reality, where I am stuck in bed unable to move for majority of the day, in the bad moments. Yet I am still careful not to break. I like to blame my reasoning for keeping it on together based on what other people would think, how they would realize I am not always as optimistic as I may seen, scared of them seeing how terrified I am. While all this is true, it is also granted that I am so scared that if I fall I may not be able to get back up. If I crack, how will I put myself back together? How will I know how too? But I have done it before, I can do it again.

Falling asleep every night in those hospital rooms, felt so lonely but every moment I was there, I knew I was not alone. Every morning when I would wake up to more tests, and checks, I didn’t doubt that I was alone. Or at night when I was awoken by nightmares that shook me, I didn’t shake on the fact that I wasn’t alone.

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I guess my point is, if even in my loneliest moments, when I am being doubted, poked and prodded, I didn’t loose hope, which means I can’t loose hope now. Not now, not ever. I am not sure if I am close to the ending of this chapter, but I know every day I am getting stronger, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Besides, the end is just the beginning of something else, is it not?

I am scared that if I cry, and grieve, people may perceive that I am loosing hope. No, this is not true.

The hope is there, and every time I say “Today I am getting stronger” I am not referring to my body, although each day I rest it, eat day I take care of it, I know that it is, slowly getting stronger again, I can feel it in my bones. Yet, I am referring to my hope. I am referring to the fact that another day gone means another day closer to God, healing me, like I believe He will. Another day of me writing about how I feel, about what happened and what is happening, is making me stronger. Although, my body is weak, I am not, and that is something I can never let go of, that is something I was always hold on too.

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I also want to encourage you, for even in your loneliest moments. In your hardest moments, granted life can throw a ton of them, to find the hope in it, because you’re not alone, and you’re going to make it through this.

Until next time,

Say something sweet.

K

x

A loss or a gain?

In the theme of keeping your life in balance, in order and in harmony. 
Something to be remembered is to surround yourself with people who love you as much as you love them, and people who are willing to try as much as you do for them. 

A lesson most teenagers learn, as they get to their quickly approaching “20’s” is that not everyone stays. All your best friends in high school cliques, and work friends kind of slowly fade into the past once you’re graduated and you’ve moved jobs.

And that’s not always a bad thing. 

  
Sometimes it’s hard to distance yourself from people when you’re lonely, or you enjoy your companionship and you choose to ignore that something just doesn’t feel right in your gut. Or the way they talk to you doesn’t really feel nice. 

You don’t have to make excuses for them to act that way, and you don’t have to make excuses for you to stay. 
And sometimes, that’s not always the case, sometimes people just grow apart for no bad reason, other then with growing up means new morals and responsibilities and sometimes yours won’t exactly line up with your ex besties anymore, and that’s okay too.

The point of this all is to tell you that it is okay to let go, of old friendships, old flames, new friends who don’t make an effort, friends who make you feel bad about yourself, and people who are simply not adding anything to your life; instead rather just wasting your time. 

You don’t have to stay in that; you always have a right to choose who you form friendships with and surround your self with.
  
Remember; instead of crossing oceans for people who won’t cross a puddle for you. Try crossing the world for people who would cross planets for you. They’re the ones worth fighting for. 

You know who they are, so make sure that you do fight for them; because those are the diamonds among coals you don’t want to loose.
As for me, I’m not one for a big crowd; but the few I surround myself with always make me feel on top of the world; and I hope I do the same for them. 

  
Until next time, 
K x

My love

 

For quite some time now, I’ve avoided the topic of ‘being in love’ on my blog; mostly because I was afraid of peoples opinions, or rejections. I quite frankly didn’t want to hear the words “You’re to young to be in love, or even know what love is.” So I avoided posting about it on this blog, although I write of it consistently.

Now I’ve explained; let me begin with staying that love is what you make it.

I’m not sure it’s possible to define love, for every interpretation is stated differently, taken differently, and most importantly, each person feels love differently. Even if I had the words to show you, that explain the love I feel perfectly, I’m not sure everyone would understand. Yet here I am, still explaining, and completely willing to try.

Love, I’ve leant, is not one thing, but a vast majority of thing; its found in the little things, that can go unseen if you don’t pay attention. All little insignificant things that come together to make a feeling that is bigger then us all.

and love, is most definitely not limited to the person you’re in love with, yet all who you love.

Love, I’ve learnt, is learning to be selfless – in a world that is raised on being selfish.

Love is taking care of someone you love, even if you don’t feel great yourself, because what matters to you, is them being okay.

Love is letting your loved ones help you up when you fall, they already know you’re capable of doing it on your own, but the point of loving people is that you don’t have too.

(Side note, it took a while to learn this one, and I’m still stubborn at times, but I’m never alone.) 

Love is going out of your way for someone.

and I know, that I could go on and on about the little things that make all the difference in the world, but honestly nothing gets past just being there for someone. Listening to them rant, cry, laugh. Spending the time to know them, memorise them.

For me, there is nothing more beautiful then knowing the person I am in love with knows my personality and my mind inside out, and always does what he can to show me how much he loves me.

And although, sometimes I become lost for words – I know that I am the luckiest young woman in the world to be in love with a young man who always takes the time to know me, and love me, and I don’t want to go a day without showing not only him, but all who I love, that I do love them – and will always take the time to know them, inside out.

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Until next time,

Katie J,

x

Familiarità

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I’m in a deep thinking mood; and tonight I’m thinking about familiarity. Like do we stay, because it’s what we know? Because it’s safe? Or because, we love these things we are familiar with, and it is because we love them that we are familiar with them, and not the other way around? Or perhaps do we only love them, because we are familiar?

A friend questioned me on this a few days ago, and it got me thinking quite a bit.

So the theory goes; people stay or reconnect with what they know because it is familiar, and that provides comfort. This, I’m sure is true in same cases. Take a hometown, or a relationship for example.

But then, although your location or the person you’re dating isn’t changing, doesn’t mean everything else isn’t. Life can never be completely familiar because life is always changing. And although, some attributes of our lives stay the same, they adapt to new environments and shift based upon the changes around it. Think of it like this; when you buy a house, you can change and shift every object inside to a way that sits within your mind peacefully. But you can’t stop the world outside of your house. You can’t stop the wind blowing the trees or the cars driving past your house. But you adapt. You buy curtains to block the headlights, and as life evolves, you, and your house (although the inside is familiar for you) evolve with it. So I decline the thought that people stay in a place or with a person, purely because it is familiar, because no one moment is ever the same. Maybe you wake up in the same bed every day, maybe you have dated the same person for the past 2 tears, and yeah, you are familiar with them. But just because you woke up the same place you did yesterday – doesn’t mean you’re going to have the same day you had yesterday, or even a day remotely similar to ever before. Just because you kissed the same boy you kissed a year ago and the year before – does not mean you are in the same relationship you were in when it began. Because time moves on, you adapt, and you hold on to the things that make you heart hold hope, and you fall in love with the familiarity, not because you have seen it before, but oh God, how could you not love the way he looks at you when he smiles?

Maybe I’m getting a little carried away.

Please give and share with me your thoughts. I want your opinion. Do people stay because they are familiar? Answer this for me in your own words, and send stories even. I look forward to hearing from you.

Until The Next Late Night Thought,

– K

Photographer: Tess Robertson

Instragram: vi.vanta

London, Paris, Madrid, I become lost in the midst.

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All this talk of travel, makes my heart spring forth, and head race with all the the places I wish to go, some even again. I am usually a patient person, until a cheap flight advertisement appears in my e-mail, or a phone call from a friend over seas, starts to make my heart race, and my head wonder. I am flustered, I am curious, I am content with the thought of leaving, and certain on the thought of returning. I am in love. In love with travelling, and it is both a blessing and a curse.

Two & a half years ago, I fell in love, completely on accident. Then again, when do you ever purposely fall in love? I fell in love with the nerve racking experience of hopping on a plane this big, for the first time. I fell in love with the complete and utter freedom of being somewhere you have never been, running into people you have only ever, never known. I fell in love with the wide open landscapes of Scotland, coloured by green pastures, and flowing rivers. I fell in love with the silence that sat within the wind, and blew past my icy cold hair. I was in love.

A few weeks on, I fell in love again, with the hustle and bustle of a busy city (as much as a small town girl can love a big city). I fell in love with the thought of endless opportunities, and an on-the-go attitude, although, more often then not, my body couldn’t keep up with my racing mind. Weeks turned to months, and over the last few years I have fallen in love with many places, in many cities, and mostly, my own.

It wasn’t until the nest that had kept me within its safe and warm walls, set me free, and let me return, did I really fall in love with the city I live in, although it is not much of a city, really at all.

But it took my leaving, to look at this place I had called home all these years, to see it for what it really is. A glorious wonder, filled with many hidden surprises. And for a third time, I have fallen in love, not with the freedom of not knowing anyone, and certainly not with the hustle and bustle, of this serene place, but rather so, with the feelings that accompany it. With getting lost over and over, and always finding my way home. With each simple day, and simple exploration creating a life long memory with people that mean the most to me. With every hidden beauty, comes along with this feeling of serenity, and all this time my mind was racing with leaving – when I have left a million places unexplored, right before my eyes.

Sometime the big planes, don’t bring the biggest adventures, sometimes the greatest story you’ve yet to be told, happened here, right at home.

Until Next Day Dream,

– K

Photographer; Tess Robertson

Instagram; vi.vanta